I haven't exactly been living my ideal life. This is ok. Normal, really.
I drive too far to a job that pays my bills. Things break and need fixed. Lawns need mowed. I don't sleep well. This is a rut.
I'm familiar with my rut. It's comfy! I've been there a while. It's kind of *my thing*. Until recently, that is.
I started to wake up a bit. Rub my eyes. Take a look around. Assess the situation. By all accounts it's pretty good. House. Car. Job. Bills paid.
Lonely. Uh-oh. There's a gap. Who put this gap in my woke ass rut? Just overlook it. Fill it with things. What's that? Video game. Cool. Movie. Cool. Watching The Office for the third time. No problem. I got this.
Wait... problem. No no. No problem. Wait, yes... problem.
What's that thing that I like? What was that thing that really made me shine? Happy, even. Oh, stories. Yes. I remember writing those. I do research for stories all the time. Watching movies is research. Reading books is research.
Oh, no. I forgot to eat. But I wasn't hungry because I had all of these drinks. Uh oh. I'm drunk. Uh oh. I'm hungover. A mimosa will fix this and I'll get back to writing. Oh, the lawn needs mowed again. Didn't I just do this?
Why did I buy this big house? Oh yeah. Forget about that. Have a drink to cheer yourself up.
No no. I was waking up. I was getting there. Progress. I noticed things I didn't like. Ugh, but there's a lot of them. That's ok. Take them one at a time. Ugh, but it's hard and heavy. (That's what she said - ok no more Office reruns for you, buddy.)
I'm back in this place. Confusion. No, the sun is shining. It's nice out. What's there to be upset about? If I'm upset, people will care about me. I need that. I want things to be perfect.
What are you trying to control? Everything. And how's that working out for you? It's not. Ok, then. Take a couple steps back. Take a few deep breaths. How do things look now? Better. Take a couple more steps back and a few more deep breaths. And now? Yes, better.
What have you been telling yourself? That I'll never be anything. Anyone. That things will fall apart. And have they? Yes. Ok then. Let's change the tune.
This internal dialogue has been running inside of me for a while. Too long. Too many decisions to worry over. Too many things to do that aren't what I want to be doing. If you're like me, this may sound familiar. If you're like me, here's some advice.
Stop quitting on yourself. Stop handing out doubt. If you care about something, invest in it. That's showing yourself love. That's making a real difference. Start there and see where it leads. If it's not working, take a few steps back and invest in something else. Or try again. The first result isn't always the final result.
As a writer, I know this. The first draft needs work. The point is to get it out on the page. Then take a few steps back and revise. Sometimes you have to rewrite your life.
Find opportunities. Challenge yourself. Set goals. Don't spend your life under a blanket, waiting for someone to knock on your door.
Take a look around. Are these distractions or positive influences? Are you taking a break or are you avoiding work?
Acknowledge the patterns of your behavior. Why do you do the things you do? Why do you react this way or that way? What are you truly after when you do?
How do you feel when you look in the mirror? Disappointed? Change something. Change everything until you feel differently about that beautiful face. Find the gaps in your life and fill them with YOU. Not other people or things.
Do the work you need to do, but don't consume yourself with it. Find a line. Live your life in the best ways possible. Share it when you can.
Wake up, rub your eyes, look in the mirror and celebrate your face.
Thanks for reading,